Friday, February 27, 2009

Ready or not...

Only 10 weeks to baby (theoretically)!

Our Bradley classes are going well. We are half-way through the course. I feel like the class dunce, because no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to get all my "homework" done. It reminds me way too much of my formal schooling career! That pit in the bottom of your stomach when you know you didn't do your reading... That was a constant for me. I am just not a dedicated student. I love learning and being a student, but I don't do well with assignments and deadlines. I have never been very good at applying myself in school. I don't like the all-too-familiar feeling I get every Thursday as I'm cramming to finish up the assignments before Bradley classes... But I like the classes. I like what I am learning and I like the exercises and practicing. I feel more prepared this time to have a natural childbirth, maybe only because I am determined to trust my body more this time around and to be more uncompromising in what I want for the birth. I hope the hospital staff and policies don't interfere too much with my plans.

I am feeling less than prepared for the arrival of this baby. I haven't really done anything to get our home ready. The "nursery" is a mess and will likely remain that way until after the baby comes. I haven't bought anything for this baby. Oddly, I am not feeling stressed about it. We have more than enough clothes (and since we don't know the sex there's no point in buying more anyway), we have a crib, and a carseat, and a stroller, and all the basic necessities. The only thing I really have to do in the next few weeks is get some diapers ordered. I am having a hard time committing to a decision about what to get. I know I need at least another dozen prefolds (but do I need 2 more dozen? Or will 1 more be adequate?), and I want to get another 3 covers or so. I need a few wetbags and another pail liner and I need to make/buy some more wipes. I also would like to make myself a stretchy wrap (Moby-style) but I am pretty set on baby carriers even if I don't get around to that. I do feel like I need to sell some old diapers and at least one baby carrier before the babe comes. Other than that, though, things are pretty much ready, even though nothing has been done. It feels strange to not have anything to do to prepare, but it is nice. As an expectant mother with Pipsqueak, I felt like there was so much I *needed,* and so much I needed to do. I've learned I guess that there's really not that much that I actually need for a baby, and even less that I actually need *before* the baby actually arrives. Or maybe I just have relaxed my standards a bit since then. I'm not sure. Either way, it feels nice, relaxing. Not so much to worry about.

That's not exactly true. I have plenty to worry about this time around, just not so much to worry about materialistically. I worry a lot about how Pip will adjust to a new little family member. I worry constantly about my relationship with my little boy changing, about losing that one-on-one time with him. I worry about him resenting me. I worry about how I will manage to take care of two kids and myself. I worry about how I will have enough patience for two. I worry about finances. I worry about sleep deprivation. I worry about postpartum recovery. I worry about my baby being healthy. I worry about being successful with breastfeeding. I worry about how I will love my children equally, and I worry about treating each child fairly and without favoritism. I worry about sibling rivalry. I worry about not having that one-on-one time with my new baby like I got with Pipsqueak. I worry about how I will find time for my relationship with my husband.

There is plenty for me to worry about.

No comments:

Related Posts with Thumbnails