Whirlwind

Summer vacations, my birthday, Halloween, autumn... It's all going too fast. I don't even know where it has all gone. I don't understand how my baby boy can be four already, how my little newborn girl is already 18 months old. How is it already almost Christmas again? Why won't life just slow down a little?

In 3 more of Squeak's up-till-now lifetimes he will be in high school, driving, dating, going to school dances, playing school sports or starring in school performances (or going to math/science competitions, or doing whatever it is his little heart decides to do). He will be grown up and gone before I know it.

In another year and a half I will release him to someone else's care for half a day, to be under others' influences. And once that happens, I won't be able to keep him so blissfully naive and protected. He will be exposed to cruelty, delinquency, bullying, popularity, exclusion, swearing, drugs, sex... I just want to wrap him up and keep him untainted and unaware of the cruelties of life. Can he just be my baby forever?

My Pixie is still young, too young for me to realize that her life is passing too quickly already as well. But when I do realize it, it paralyzes me. I realize as I nurse her that soon I won't anymore. I will forget what she feels like snuggled into my arms, her feet rubbing together, her hands wrapped around my breast. When she talks, I realize that soon (oh, too soon!), she will talk more clearly. Her laugh will change. Her face will mature. Her toddle will become more coordinated. And all her little nuances that I see and hear every day will be gone forever. And as hard as I try to remember them, I will forget. I will forget what exactly she was like at 18 months of age just as I have already forgotten what exactly she was like at 9.

These memories that I hold so dear to my heart already evade me. It is a cruel trick in life that the things which we cherish most are so easily forgotten. Why can't our brains work like a video recorder? The information, the memories, the experiences, they are all stored there, somewhere, in the folds of our brains. Why can't we access them at will?

Why does time pass so quickly when you become a parent? These moments I so want to savor have a way of just passing me by.

Babies, please slow down.