trying for a new normal

Yesterday was a perfect day. The sun was shining, the kids were cute, the husband came home early. We played, we worked in the garden, and when the sun went down we ordered Thai takeout. But all those were just a bonus. The real perfection in the day was that it was normal. The kids were mostly cooperative, I was able to head off most tantrums (and able to patiently handle the ones we couldn't avoid), and for a day I caught a glimpse of beautiful normalcy.

And it made me feel sad.

I remember when days like yesterday were the norm for me rather than a pleasant and fleeting moment. I have been floundering for so long that I had forgotten what it felt like to enjoy mothering, and that made me sad. There was a time when my life was pure joy, mothering was pure joy. Most days were mundane but wonderful. I was so blissfully happy to be at home with my baby, enjoying the perfection in a normal day.

For a long time now though I haven't enjoyed mothering. Parenting a child like Squeak is hard work, and most days the hard work overshadows the moments of joy. I've felt this way for a few years but have only recently begun to accept and acknowledge it out loud. I don't have a diagnosis for Squeak (that's for another entry) but I finally acknowledge that he is atypical, and I am overwhelmed most of the time.

I chide myself for struggling so much when things could be so, so much worse. In terms of "atypical-ness," we got off pretty easy. No physical disabilities, no mental disabilities. Just a few emotional ones. Why can't I be grateful for what I have? Why can't I get it together and deal with it gracefully like so many moms who have it harder do?

I mourn for the life I feel I should have had with a typical child. I mourn for the children I wanted to have but never will because I'm beyond my limit. I mourn for the days that should be blissfully normal, and I mourn for the mothering experience I should be having.

But I also rejoice because in spite of it all, even though I am not enjoying mothering lately, I am enjoying my children. I love them so wholly and immensely. Even while I doubt myself, and I struggle to get through each day, I thank God that I have these two amazing souls with whom to spend my days. Even in the midst of the worst, most tumultuous storm, my love for them never wanes. And it gets me through the days.

And I hope it will be enough.

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Beauty all around

I LIVE here!
Beaches, berries, bridges, boats, waterfalls, waterfalls, and more waterfalls.

(And it's a good thing it's so beautiful, too, because I have a serious case of homesickness for my family lately...)

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Whirlwind

Summer vacations, my birthday, Halloween, autumn... It's all going too fast. I don't even know where it has all gone. I don't understand how my baby boy can be four already, how my little newborn girl is already 18 months old. How is it already almost Christmas again? Why won't life just slow down a little?

In 3 more of Squeak's up-till-now lifetimes he will be in high school, driving, dating, going to school dances, playing school sports or starring in school performances (or going to math/science competitions, or doing whatever it is his little heart decides to do). He will be grown up and gone before I know it.

In another year and a half I will release him to someone else's care for half a day, to be under others' influences. And once that happens, I won't be able to keep him so blissfully naive and protected. He will be exposed to cruelty, delinquency, bullying, popularity, exclusion, swearing, drugs, sex... I just want to wrap him up and keep him untainted and unaware of the cruelties of life. Can he just be my baby forever?

My Pixie is still young, too young for me to realize that her life is passing too quickly already as well. But when I do realize it, it paralyzes me. I realize as I nurse her that soon I won't anymore. I will forget what she feels like snuggled into my arms, her feet rubbing together, her hands wrapped around my breast. When she talks, I realize that soon (oh, too soon!), she will talk more clearly. Her laugh will change. Her face will mature. Her toddle will become more coordinated. And all her little nuances that I see and hear every day will be gone forever. And as hard as I try to remember them, I will forget. I will forget what exactly she was like at 18 months of age just as I have already forgotten what exactly she was like at 9.

These memories that I hold so dear to my heart already evade me. It is a cruel trick in life that the things which we cherish most are so easily forgotten. Why can't our brains work like a video recorder? The information, the memories, the experiences, they are all stored there, somewhere, in the folds of our brains. Why can't we access them at will?

Why does time pass so quickly when you become a parent? These moments I so want to savor have a way of just passing me by.

Babies, please slow down.

Four Years of Motherhood

Dear Squeak,

Today you are four. FOUR. FOUR!

Happy birthday Baby Boy. I can't believe you've been around for four whole years already. It is unreal to me that you are already so big, and that not long ago you were a squeaking tiny newborn. It seems like yesterday. And yet, I feel like I've known you forever. You are woven into every part of me. Thank you for making me a mommy.

When you were a baby, you were independent and happy and chubby. You had a smile to melt my heart. Your giggle... oh your little baby giggle. So sweet.

When you were one, you were a little cherub. Sweet round face, curly blonde hair, pure love. You were full of energy and very talkative. You loved animals. You still had that sweet baby giggle. Your little one-year-old self made me feel like my heart might explode with love.

And then you turned two. And you were smart, inquisitive, curious. You loved to talk and sing. You gave your toys little voices. You loved to read, book after book. You loved to make us all laugh. Your giggle, oh that adorable little giggle. You still had it. You finally became my little cuddle bug, sitting in my lap and giving me hugs and kisses. And I loved you even more than ever before.

At three, you exploded with personality. You loved to play make-believe. I couldn't believe your imagination. You were so smart. Your love for reading grew. I was amazed by the things you knew and remembered. You lived to make others laugh. All of a sudden, my little baby was a boy with giant personality. Getting to know you was a joy. I loved you more than I did before.

And today you turn four. I am amazed by you each day. You are intelligent, compassionate, sweet, loving, thoughtful, polite, imaginative, inquisitive. You are happy. I look at you and my heart warms. I have never known someone who loves and embraces life like you do. You have so much joy. You spend your days giggling. And when you giggle, I can see, hidden below your now-boyish face and body, my baby.

I love you, my Squeak. How I do love you. Thank you for filling my days with laughs. Happy birthday, Love.
Love always,
Mommy

Product Endorsements

Some days my love for certain little things in my life border on obsession. Here're my latest:


Flipsides!

OhMyGosh. I love these things. Pretzel. Cracker. Do I need to say more?

Library movies

Two weeks free! 4 DVDs at a time! Basically unlimited VHS tapes! One week grace period (Did ya get that? Free movies for 3 weeks!). 10 cent per day late fees! Any kids' movie my kid could want! True love!

Rutty-rut-rut, tut-tut!

I am in a major slump today.

I am just exhausted and my Squeak is wearing my nerves thin.

I didn't exercise this morning (think that could have something to do with it?) and I have no motivation to do anything at all.

I would like to curl up on the couch (oh wait, I already am), read a good book, take a long nap, watch some mindless tv, basically just forget that I have children and responsibilities for just one day.

snapshots

So I spent the morning organizing my old pictures, because obviously if you've seen my house/yard/garden/garage you'd know that pictures are the things that really needed to be attended to first..! Actually I'm keeping up with things fairly well. I only have a few dishes in the sink, the laundry is all done and folded and shelved, and things are mostly clean. So I felt like I deserved a fun trip down memory lane!