moments

My Pixie fell asleep nursing in my lap today. This doesn't happen very often anymore. I miss holding my sleeping little ones. I've been so busy being frustrated by how hard being a parent can be that I haven't noticed how quickly they are changing. I haven't been enjoying these sweet babies and savoring each tender memory, and that makes my heart hurt so much. How is it that my Squeak is already almost too big to hold, and what will I do when Pixie gets there, too, when my arms will be empty? How (and why) have I let so many moments slip through my fingers?

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Whirlwind

Summer vacations, my birthday, Halloween, autumn... It's all going too fast. I don't even know where it has all gone. I don't understand how my baby boy can be four already, how my little newborn girl is already 18 months old. How is it already almost Christmas again? Why won't life just slow down a little?

In 3 more of Squeak's up-till-now lifetimes he will be in high school, driving, dating, going to school dances, playing school sports or starring in school performances (or going to math/science competitions, or doing whatever it is his little heart decides to do). He will be grown up and gone before I know it.

In another year and a half I will release him to someone else's care for half a day, to be under others' influences. And once that happens, I won't be able to keep him so blissfully naive and protected. He will be exposed to cruelty, delinquency, bullying, popularity, exclusion, swearing, drugs, sex... I just want to wrap him up and keep him untainted and unaware of the cruelties of life. Can he just be my baby forever?

My Pixie is still young, too young for me to realize that her life is passing too quickly already as well. But when I do realize it, it paralyzes me. I realize as I nurse her that soon I won't anymore. I will forget what she feels like snuggled into my arms, her feet rubbing together, her hands wrapped around my breast. When she talks, I realize that soon (oh, too soon!), she will talk more clearly. Her laugh will change. Her face will mature. Her toddle will become more coordinated. And all her little nuances that I see and hear every day will be gone forever. And as hard as I try to remember them, I will forget. I will forget what exactly she was like at 18 months of age just as I have already forgotten what exactly she was like at 9.

These memories that I hold so dear to my heart already evade me. It is a cruel trick in life that the things which we cherish most are so easily forgotten. Why can't our brains work like a video recorder? The information, the memories, the experiences, they are all stored there, somewhere, in the folds of our brains. Why can't we access them at will?

Why does time pass so quickly when you become a parent? These moments I so want to savor have a way of just passing me by.

Babies, please slow down.

Just to bring you all down with me...

I've got a bad case of the nostalgias tonight. Just a warning. I'm in a downright whiny mood.

I miss my best friend. Not only does she live nearly 600 miles away, but we just aren't connected anymore. I mean how connected can you be when you don't share any daily comings and goings, really? Maybe some people can make it work. Just like some people can make long-distance relationships work. I never could. I've never been good at long-distance relationships of any kind. I find that without the memories that are made during daily interactions there is not much there on which to build a friendship, and without the knowledge of the daily occurrences of someone's life, there is just not much to talk about. In a life like my own, where the only things that ever change are the small day-to-day things, there is just nothing to say if you don't share in at least some of those day-to-day things. There's just nothing to talk about. So what's new? Nothing. Still just staying at home with my kids. Still married to my teacher-student hubby. Still living in the same place. Still doing the same things. Nothing new with my kids, nothing new with my family, nothing new with me. If you aren't around to know that I take Squeak to preschool on Tuesdays and go with him to a different preschool on Thursdays, how can you ask about how it's going? If you aren't around to know what book I just finished reading, how can you ask how I enjoyed it?

We used to be so close, she and I. Friends since 5th grade.

Four Years of Motherhood

Dear Squeak,

Today you are four. FOUR. FOUR!

Happy birthday Baby Boy. I can't believe you've been around for four whole years already. It is unreal to me that you are already so big, and that not long ago you were a squeaking tiny newborn. It seems like yesterday. And yet, I feel like I've known you forever. You are woven into every part of me. Thank you for making me a mommy.

When you were a baby, you were independent and happy and chubby. You had a smile to melt my heart. Your giggle... oh your little baby giggle. So sweet.

When you were one, you were a little cherub. Sweet round face, curly blonde hair, pure love. You were full of energy and very talkative. You loved animals. You still had that sweet baby giggle. Your little one-year-old self made me feel like my heart might explode with love.

And then you turned two. And you were smart, inquisitive, curious. You loved to talk and sing. You gave your toys little voices. You loved to read, book after book. You loved to make us all laugh. Your giggle, oh that adorable little giggle. You still had it. You finally became my little cuddle bug, sitting in my lap and giving me hugs and kisses. And I loved you even more than ever before.

At three, you exploded with personality. You loved to play make-believe. I couldn't believe your imagination. You were so smart. Your love for reading grew. I was amazed by the things you knew and remembered. You lived to make others laugh. All of a sudden, my little baby was a boy with giant personality. Getting to know you was a joy. I loved you more than I did before.

And today you turn four. I am amazed by you each day. You are intelligent, compassionate, sweet, loving, thoughtful, polite, imaginative, inquisitive. You are happy. I look at you and my heart warms. I have never known someone who loves and embraces life like you do. You have so much joy. You spend your days giggling. And when you giggle, I can see, hidden below your now-boyish face and body, my baby.

I love you, my Squeak. How I do love you. Thank you for filling my days with laughs. Happy birthday, Love.
Love always,
Mommy

"nesting" and nostalgia

I've been on a bit of a blogging hiatus because we've had a busy summer full of traveling and other adventures. I know that when there is a lot going on is precisely when I should be blogging, but I just get wrapped up in living life rather than writing about it...!

After several tiring (though worthwhile) vacations, we are home and settling back into normal life. Santiago started a new school year of teaching today, and I am trying to figure out how my days should go now that I have a toddler.

Since returning from our last trip I have felt a strong desire to simplify everything in my life and purge everything I don’t need. I've felt a weird motivation to finally tackle all those projects I've been meaning to do, finally sell those things that need selling, finally get back into (better) contact with (nearly) lost friends. And so I've been doing some strange, non-pregnant nesting...

snapshots

So I spent the morning organizing my old pictures, because obviously if you've seen my house/yard/garden/garage you'd know that pictures are the things that really needed to be attended to first..! Actually I'm keeping up with things fairly well. I only have a few dishes in the sink, the laundry is all done and folded and shelved, and things are mostly clean. So I felt like I deserved a fun trip down memory lane!