resolve.

Um. Hi. And whoops. Has it really been 5 months?

Life zips forward.

Instead of trying to play catch-up, let's just pretend I've been here all along. I'm currently having some sort of life crisis, mainly in that I feel like I am pretty much failing at just about everything.

I should be gentler on myself, I know that. After a few pretty spiritual experiences recently, I KNOW know that. But I'm pretty overwhelmed lately with my kids, and that makes me feel terribly guilty and inept at handling anything. It's not really a new thing, I guess. Basically, transitioning from one to two kids has been all but the death of me. I feel like Squeak's challenges, that started just before his third birthday (right around the time Pixie was born), have pulled me so far from where I was, and want to be, as a mother, and that makes me feel just terrible for both of my kids. For Squeak, because of how intensely he needs the mother I used to be, and for Pixie, because she never has really known her.

And so I am hoping that 2013 will be the year that she makes her return. I know I can be a great mother, and this year I am going to take care of *myself* so I have the energy to be that great mom. Because when I think about it, what it all comes down to is energy, and all the things that suck my energy, and how I need to change that.

So I'm going to take care of myself this year, mind, body, and soul. It will be a process.

I'm doing it for these little booty-shakers. Because they deserve the absolute best!

Tweet

Honesty. Startling.

For as beautiful and sunny of a day as it is today, I am uncharacteristically sad. I know this blog seems depressing of late. Apparently that's what this blog has become; when I am happy with life and feeling joyful and grateful, I write in my family blog, for all to read (or, more realistically, I don't write at all. I just get up and enjoy my day!). When I feel down, or honest, I write here.

I feel like being totally honest today...

moments

My Pixie fell asleep nursing in my lap today. This doesn't happen very often anymore. I miss holding my sleeping little ones. I've been so busy being frustrated by how hard being a parent can be that I haven't noticed how quickly they are changing. I haven't been enjoying these sweet babies and savoring each tender memory, and that makes my heart hurt so much. How is it that my Squeak is already almost too big to hold, and what will I do when Pixie gets there, too, when my arms will be empty? How (and why) have I let so many moments slip through my fingers?

Tweet

Pulling my hair out

So remember how in my last post I credited "1-2-3 Magic" for the recent decrease in yelling at my house?

Yeah. In reality it was the flu.

Now that Squeak is feeling better again, his misbehaviors have returned, and believe it or not I think they used his sick body as a host and multiplied! Either that or he is feeling the need to make up for how calm and cooperative he was during his illness... He has been worse than ever. And I am really struggling to keep my cool. The main thing that I was loving about 1-2-3 Magic was the practice of "No talking, no emotion." However I am finding it almost impossible to remain emotionless when Squeak's M.O. all day long is the following formula:

1. Run up to Pixie. Flail arms in her face. Make sure she is wailing before running away again.
2. Run up to Pixie. Take whatever toy she is playing with. Play with it for 3.2 seconds, or just long enough to set her off into major tantrum mode. When Pixie is crying sufficiently hard enough to not be calmed, abandon toy, throwing it across the room.
3. Follow Pixie anywhere she goes to escape the torment. If possible, follow her with a chair, trashcan, or laundry hamper closely nipping at her heels or pushing her from behind. The more annoying physical contact the better!
4. Play with a toy. Leave Pixie alone to play with a different toy. Give Mommy the false sense that she can leave the room to load the dishwasher. As soon as Mommy walks out of the room, abandon toy and take Pixie's. Repeat step 2. When Pixie, instead of throwing yet another tantrum about her stolen toy, goes to take the toy you abandoned, freak out at her, screaming, "I was PLAYING with that toy! I HAD IT FIRST!" Take said toy away from Pixie.
5. When Mommy sends you to time out for screaming and yelling and taking toys, hit her in the face. When she increases your time out and sends you to your room, pick up the nearest hard toy and throw it at Pixie.
6. Try your hardest to get your Mommy to kill herself and you.
7. Repeat steps 1-6. All day long. Ad nauseum.

I don't know what to do about him. Is having more than one kid supposed to be this hard? I expected the occasional (and even often) sibling scuffle. I didn't expect the constant pestering. I can't handle it.

And because I am in a horrible and complaining mood, I'll add my other frustration. Pixie's constant nursing. It is out of control. She is nursing more frequently than she did as a newborn, by far. It is really all day long. She is up and down and up and down, in and out of my lap, asking for nursies. ALL.DAY.LONG. AND she is waking up every 1-2 hours at night suddenly, wanting to nurse. As soon as she's not sick anymore, the night-weaning is ON. And hopefully once I am sleeping through the night once more I will have more patience to deal with being a mother.

But for today... Stick a fork in me, I AM DONE.
(sadly...really, really sadly...it's only 10:45 am. And my dear husband doesn't get home tonight until after the kids are in bed. It is going to be one loooooooooooooong day.)

Momma did a bad, bad thing

I'm not sure if my voice is hoarse because I have a sort-of cold or because I've spent all day yelling. How horrible is that?

The baby screamed all day long. She threw major tantrum after major tantrum, over things like not being able to climb onto her chair and me making her lie down for a diaper change and getting cooked carrots for dinner (oh the injustice! Except that after she actually calmed down enough to try some she realized she loves cooked carrots, and ate two whole bowls...).

It wasn't the baby I was yelling at all day, though.

"mommy guilt?"

I was reading something the other day that got me thinking and… Well you know what, there’s no point in explaining how my thought process works. It really is a mystery, even to me! Somehow though I came to this conclusion: I can’t be vocal about my parenting philosophies with most people I know/meet. Since becoming a parent I have struggled with this. When someone says something that I don’t agree with, do I speak up to let them know I don’t agree, or do I remain silent to keep the peace? Mostly I’ve chosen to remain silent. This shouldn’t be very hard for me, since I do generally keep pretty quiet about my opinions anyway. It’s not that I don’t have very strong opinions, or that I’m not highly passionate about my opinions. It’s just that I don’t much care for contention, and since I live in [enter strictly conservative area here] and am quite strictly liberal, voicing my opinions almost certainly and consistently brings contention. With some people, I feel comfortable voicing my beliefs, because I know that while they do not agree with me, they do respect me, and we can have a healthy discussion. However, most people I come in contact with here lack a certain amount of respect for anyone who does not worship the Republican party…

I don’t mean to turn this into a political thing, so let me get back on track.

this old train breaks down...

I am breaking down. I have yelled and screamed and hit my pillow and cried so much today I am ashamed. I feel so desperate. Pip woke up this morning at 4 and wouldn't go back to sleep. I refused to nurse him because it was still night, but he fought me and resisted for over 2 hours. He would fall asleep over and over again but the second I made a motion towards the crib it would all start over again. I finally after an hour put him in his bed and walked out, leaving him screaming for me to hold him. I came back in when it was clear he was not calming down (and because I just physically cannot stand to hear him scream) and I got him to sleep in his crib by lying on the floor next to him and holding his hand or patting his tummy or simply just singing or saying "shhhhh." However each time I tried to leave he would start again, calling for me and crying "hand" so I would hold his hand. This went on until I finally had to get up and get both of us ready for a dentist appointment at 6:30.